I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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