we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
