my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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