im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize