I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
