I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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