Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
