wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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