Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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