ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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