I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
