Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
