I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
