You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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