Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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