i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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