i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
