Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
