Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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