The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
