Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
