I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
