Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
