My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize