My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
