there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
