I smell stomach acid.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize