Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
