I can text with my tongue
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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