I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
