I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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