I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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