I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
