i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
