that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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