hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
