Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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