maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
