My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
