Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Found the puke drawer
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
