Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
