Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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