He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
