Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
