I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
