I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
