I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
