Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
