Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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