Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i've created a new STD.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
