Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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