You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
