He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
