I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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