please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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