im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
