I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
