I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize