I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
